I'm not quite sure where to begin. The last week has been a big blur. My emotions have been all over the place. I guess, in a nutshell, The Boy has been thinkng about leaving for a few reasons. Apparently, I have a few bad habits that he doesn't know if he can live with for a lifetime and be happy. For example, I can sometimes misdirect my anger. Let's say that I'm stuck in traffic, I can get into a foul mood and start being bitchy. I know that my mood can effect his mood, so I have been in the practice of recognizing my funkiness and saying to him "you know this has nothing to do with you. I'm just overwhelmed right now. Please give me a minute to get myself under control." I should mention that most of these habits are things I've probably picked up from good old Mommy Dearest. Things I have been working on for years...things that have been improving over time and are now just a fraction of the issues they were years ago. Apparently, not enough. He said he doesn't know if he can accept me for me, faults and all and that it kills him. HIM. Right. I was so blind sided by this news on our 4 year anniversary, that I felt sick. I could not even see straight my eyes were so swollen from crying. I was so scared to lose him....to lose our life.
And then I got angry. So damn angry. I mean seriously, when you move in with someone, you have a kind of unsaid commitment to working things out. You don't then go from planning weddings, holding dates, naming your future kids to not being sure if you can accept a person. I am always me. That is one thing anyone that knows me will tell you. My intentions are always known. I say what's on my mind. Don't act like you didn't know all of that 4 years ago. In all the years we've been together there has never once been a rough patch that had me wondering if I should leave. Never. Don't I deserve someone that has the same level of commitment to me? Why can't it be like the movies. Where they just love each other so much they can't live without each other, they marry have a family The End. Okay maybe a little boring, but still.
After a lot of talking, we didn't really resolve anything. Although I've asked about 743 times what happens now, I still haven't gotten a straight answer. He says...."we're together aren't we?" Like that makes all the difference or something. I don't want to be together if it means you are just riding it out until you are ready to leave. SIGH but I do want to be together. The thought of him leaving just makes me all the more sure that this is where I want to be. But I want to be loved while I'm here. Which kind of brings me to my next confusing point....
He has gone back to normal. I mean completely and totally normal. He holds my hand all the time, pulls me close while we sleep. He tells me how much he loves and is just absolutely the man that I feel in love with. So what the hell!? I actually had a friend in town this weekend (her trip was planned before all this went down). The Boy was adamant about spending time with us. The three of us were upstate hiking and hanging out all weekend. She and I spent the day alone Monday and she said that if she didn't know what had happened, she would have thought we were great. According to her, our "interactions are so natural" and "we just fit so perfectly together" and something about the way he looks at me and is always looking out for me. So it's not just me seeing him be totally normal. And it started before she got here and has continued since she left so I'm sure it's not a show.
I have no idea what to do or think. I'm just so lost.
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10 comments:
aww I wish I had some words of wisdom.
Maybe he is more cognisant of the 4 year mark than he is letting on. It could be that he is overthinking things right now because he wants this to last, and it scares him. 4 years is a lot to give up on when he is upset by some habits you have, that you are working on.
*hugs*
Girlie, I just don't know :(
I am so sad about this. I really am. It throws me for a loop that this started all of a sudden. I mean you didn't start acting this way all of a sudden.
I just don't get his change in attitude.
This is just my psycho babble bullshit coming out and you can tell me to go F myself but is it possible that he cheated on you and he is projecting his guilt onto you? Making it seem like it is your fault?
I cheated on one boyfriend in my past and that is what I did. I still feel guilty that I made him feel that way about himself when really it was me all along.
I hope I am dead wrong. Stay strong. Call me or text.
I really don't know what advice to give you. It's good that you guys are now talking about it...even if you haven't come up with a resolution, it's better than both of you keeping it bottled up and pretending its all ok.
If he is starting to act normal again, more like his usual self...I would take that as a good sign. After all your talks and everything, I don't think that this is a time when he would say he loves you out of habit. You know?
The best I can do is to tell you to take each day at a time and try not to get too far ahead of yourself. Appreciate the good things when they happen, deal with the bad things if they happen...
And I hear you on the taking bad traffic/road rage out on the bf. I do it too and he hates it! It usually leads to a fight and me crying. Maybe they can start a support group. (As a side note, I heard once that road rage is a result of being sexually frustrated...SO it is their fault then!)
Penny- You're actually not the first person so mention that. It would certainly explain his mysterious behavior on that business trip. I do not think he is capable of that though. I could be dead wrong, but guess I won't ever know for sure. I also think it that Liz may be on the right track too. he knows it's crunch time in our relationship and he may be freaking out a bit. I certainly would prefer that to be cheated on. ahh. this sucks.
Jatorade- I'm totally on board with a support group! lol. My sister would definitely qualify as a member too. Good luck on the ring!
I should also mention that he swore up and down that nothing innappropriate happened with that chick while he was in AZ. He said that they are strictly friends and that he behaved no differently then if I had been there with him. Whether or not that's true is another story completely.
Matt and I went through this when we first moved in, for a couple of months.
I had to "let it go" and work on what he said were my "issues" but, before I did that, I sat him down and said look, I'm hurt. I'm trying, and I feel like I'm not getting recognition for that. I want to know that you are gonna stay and work on this, and not just bide your time before you leave. I want to know from your mouth and have you mean it that you are willing to work on things, and want this to work. I can't do it myself. I need to know where your head is at now that you've voiced your concerns.
and i wouldn't let him leave the living room til he gave me a straight answer. period.
be strong love, it will work how it's supposed to.
Ok I am going to talk out of my ass here for just a minute. So go ahead and ignore this if you don’t want to read it. But I’ve only been in 3 relationships 2 of them lasted over 3 years. And there came a time where I was “scared” and wanted out. And I pulled away then acted normal and then pulled away then acted normal. Whether I didn’t see myself with this guy forever or I just didn’t like how he treated me I always tried to pretend it was ok even though I was unhappy. And I HATE to say this I really really do but even if they had given me the moon I don’t think I would have stayed. But he could be different he could just be really scared about having to face the future. That’s totally a truthful possibility.
I really have no outlook other than that. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you, and his whole excuse of your bad habits is really lame. I agree with KBear and you need to sit him down and not give in until you have an answer. Tell him how much your hurting and trying, it really might make a difference.
For some people once they get what's bothering them off their chest, they can go back to be their regular old selves.
Dirty is like that; he will drop a bomb on me, and then while I am going through my feelings of depression and despair, he is playing his PSP without a care in the m-fing world. Maybe its a guy thing? Who knows?
Girls night at my house?
Sloane...I am SO there.
Sloane took the words out of my mouth...
I want to go to girls night!! I need another NYC trip, instead, I get to go to buffalo... woooo :-p
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